Don't Let the Door Hit Your Ass

Don't Let the Door Hit Your Ass,

An Ode.

Dear Prez'nit Bush, the time has come
To kiss your term goodbye.
Our eyes are dry, you brain-dead bum;
For you no one will cry.

Make sure you pack up all your stuff
Don't leave a god-damn trace,
Take your useless, lazy duff
And take your smirking face.

Be sure and take your Torture Corps
Illegal, vile, unclean,
Take all those portraits you adore -
You know the ones I mean.

Your gang of cronies, so inept
At everything but thieving
And hiding all the loot they've schlepped,
Take them, or not. They're leaving.

Take your banner, too, that squawked
"Accomplished" is our "Mission."
Take every neocon chickenhawk
With you straight to perdition.

Take Saddam's widdle pistol gun,
And when you've had a few
Shoot out the chandelier for fun
Then puke on Laura's shoe.

I'd ask you to take Cheney, too -
Please take him anyplace.
But I think you know what he'd do
He'd shoot you in the face.

Take this, take that. It's all you know,
And let the wreckage lay.
Please no more talking, George, just GO
Leave early. It's okay.

~ Oliver Wendell Halliburton

The Last of Bush's Volunteers

Oh the year it was two thousand two
I wish they were in Gitmo now!
A story all forged, a tale untrue
From the scummiest crew I ever knew,
God Damn them all! I was sold
On the smoking gun Saddam did hold
Now I'm a broken man with PTSD,
The last of Bush's volunteers.

Oh Cheney and Rice cried "mushroom cloud",
I wish they were in Gitmo now!
And the War President stood there and vowed
A lie to the Congress right out loud,
God Damn them all! "He has WMDs
That are aimed at the heart of our fair countree!"
Now I'm a broken man in Walter Reed,
The last of Bush's volunteers.

Oh, Colin Powell was a plausible sight.
I wish he was in Gitmo now!
A-talking of tubes and yellowcake,
And Tenet behind him to support the fake
God Damn them all! Those aluminum tubes;
And we swallowed it all like a bunch of rubes,
Now I'm a broken man all scarred and seared,
The last of Bush's volunteers.

Oh the year it was two thousand three,
I wish they were in Gitmo now!
When I rode in armorless Humvee
And we hit that motherfucking IED
God Damn them all! I was sold,
And the missiles flew and the tanks they rolled
Now I'm a broken double amputee,
The last of Bush's volunteers.

The HumVee bucked and pitched on her side.
Oh I wish they were in Gitmo now!
The Sergeant was smashed like a bowl of eggs,
And the bomb blast carried off both my legs.
God Damn them all! They sent me a bill
For my missing gear; twas a bitter pill
Now I'm a broken man and it appears,
I'm the last of Bush's volunteers.

So we searched for a year through the heat and sand
Oh I wish Bush was in Gitmo now!
But their "smoking gun" never came to hand
Now the Army says I owe them eight grand
God Damn them all! They knew, they knew
But they got their war and the missiles flew
Now I'm a broken man and it appears,
I'm the last of Bush's volunteers.

So here I sit in my twenty-third year.
I wish they were in Gitmo now!
It's been four years since we sailed away,
Now they just closed down my town's VA.
God Damn them all! Sometimes I dream
Of the Humvee exploding and hear Sarge scream
And I wake up cold and full of tears,
I'm the last of Bush's volunteers.

The Ballad of Gonzo Gonzales Abu

The Ballad of Gonzo Gonzales Abu
(to the tune of "Abdul Abulbul Amir")

The thugs of our President seldom are hesitant
At doing things not straight and true,
But the dirtiest imp to do dirt for the Chimp,
Was Gonzo Gonzales (Abu).

If he wanted a man to dismantle the the ban
On internment without process due
In some old parchment rag, he would summon his AG:
"Get me Gonzo Gonzales Abu!"

'Way back when ol' Dub was called Governor Shrub
With a drunk driving record or two,
His old DUI rap disappeared in a snap,
By the hand of Gonzales Abu.

As Gov'nor, you know, Dub was fond of Death Row
And was known for the hundreds he slew.
What slipshod attorney sped them to the gurney?
Why, Gonzo Gonzales Abu!

In the White House, who served with vim & with verve
And wrote in a memo or two
The Geneva Convention's a "quaint" old invention?
This same Gonzo Gonzales Abu!

When MP's took pics of their Abu Ghraib tricks
And butt-pyramids burst on our view,
Who merits the name of their undying fame?
All Hail Gonzo Gonzales Abu!

Who thinks "rule of law" has a terrible flaw,
In applying to both him and you?
Who finds it abhorrent to spy with a warrant?
Why, Gonzo Gonzales Abu!

Who bolsters each hour Executive Power
Till the government's all pulled askew?
Who think "separate branches" are just Bush's ranches?
You guessed; it's Gonzales Abu.

He's a thug, and a hood. He makes Ashcroft look good,
A fixer of John Mitchell hue.
He can outdo Ed Meese in the matter of sleaze,
He's our Gonzo Gonzales Abu!

Who finally told the lie big and bold
That tells us his time's about through?
The firing of eight that we call Gonzo-gate
Will bring down old Gonzo Abu.

"Mistakes" were sure made, but, my dears, I'm afraid
That Gonzo will follow Agnew,
Who was forced to resign, not for erors, but crime,
So farewell to Gonzales Abu.

Baseball...

George W. Bush is Dumb.

The other day an astute Republican, a campaign operative of Mitt Romney, penned a memo containing the following gem:

'Like every Republican in the race, Romney faces the delicate task of how to talk about President Bush, whom the country gives low job-approval ratings . But the plan lists two ways Romney can set himself apart from Bush. The first says, simply, 'Intelligence.'"

Which kick-started the Halliburton muse:

George W. Bush is Dumb.

Beat the drum, for Bush is dumb!
His dumbness makes us wonder.
As dumb as any stumblebum
Who goes from gaffe to blunder.

He's stupid. He's a dimwit.
He's dumber than an ox.
A dolt. A fool. A dunce. A twit.
Dumb as a box of rocks.

An imbecile. A dunderhead.
A moron. And a goose.
The man is thick. He is brain-dead.
He's dull, dim, dense, obtuse.

The Bush IQ, we see, is poor.
Moreover, he lacks knowledge.
He knows so very little, for
A man who went to college.

He's ignorant. He's not well-read.
He has no information.
No store of learning his head.
No food for cogitation.

And then, the smidgen that he knows
Is largely incorrect.
He garbles simple English prose.
His history's mostly dreck.

He thinks that austere Washington,
Who favored isolation,
Would say "War with Iraq? Well done!
What time's the next invasion?"

He thinks that Lincoln, who condemned
The war with Mexico
Would be the firmest sort of friend
To war for Texaco.

He thinks that in the Pantheon
Of History's Elect
The Name of Dubya will shine on,
With laurels all bedecked.

He's wrong. He errs. He's off the mark.
Devoid of truth and fact.
He's out to lunch. He's in the dark.
He's faulty. Inexact.

As are those lights who chose this goon,
This clown, this ignoramus,
This knothead, simpleton, buffoon,
For whom all nations blame us.

Oliver Wendell Halliburton

The SOTU from Bad to Verse

"The State of the Union's just Grand.
All things are improving, as planned,
'Cause I'm the Decider,
The Leader and Guider,
....Why I'm tanking I don't understand."

"Now, 'cause I'm the War President,
I better not hear no dissent
When I ask for more billions
To add to the trillions
The taxpayers already spent."

"Mah Fellow Amurkans, I urge
All of y'all to support my new Surge:
With Resolve, we will Strive,
Blah blah blah, watch this drive.
And Democracy soon will emerge."

"We'll defeat these Islamo-fascistas
And open up new Freedom Vistas,
If you don't buy my lies,
You must hate our G.I.s,
And their moms and their dads and their sistas."

"So let us move forward together
To send in them troops hell-for-leather,
Sure, things'll get worse,
I'll pretend the reverse -
The same as I done with the weather."

"And when things go south in Baghdad,
I've got a new plan; aintcha glad?
I'll rage and I'll bluster
And start a new cluster-
Fuck - then I'll have more wars than Dad."

"So that's all for now, folks! God bless!
And God Bless America, yes!
God bless KBR,
And God bless my war!
Now, Lieberman, time for my kiss!"

Civil Defense